Reminiscing back about my 3rd term life in college, I started to ask myself: What was I doing? Am I weird?
These days, I feel lack of confidence. Like.. always. This is so bad. I’ve never felt like this through 19 years my entire life. A simple lack of confidence.. and myself, maybe. I don’t really know since when I felt this terrible feeling. I just found myself at the end of the cliff. Wondering. What am I?
Since I started 3rd term, I began worrying everything. My GPA, my scholarship, my college life, and the most mysterious thing in my life: my future. Of course, everyone can worry about the future, how can’t I? But then I realized that I worried too much.
My pace of doing anything was slowing down. What was I doing! I think too much, even without execution. I worry too much without appreciate myself. I had always cared about something that I musn’t care about. I hate myself.
I HATE MYSELF.
That is what I was doing during this term.
However, I think I know why I hate myself, even until now. Clips of my college life come into my mind in a flash. I completely stunned. My eyes closed. I really want to curse myself, but I.. OH! Is it my fault that I feel like this while everybody–well most of people– in my major became so intimidating for me?
I know I’m such a coward for blaming others for my own problem. But I think, others’ perspective about me has a big impact in my life which is so desperate. So, I depend myself on people’s perspective? I think, almost. And that had made me hating myself.
Before telling my college life, I want to tell you (whosoever who glad reading my blog) that I’ve always felt being alienated in every steps of my life. During my kindergarten, I almost not close with my girlfriends because I only have one close friend, a boy exactly, and the girls always think I was weird because I looked so boyish. Then in my elementary school many children hate me cause they envy me for a lot of reasons. Even I was hated by a whole family of my friend just because I got first rank of the class. Entering junior high school, again I was being alienated because I’m so active and I’m not pretty enough to hang out with some girls. Stepping in high school, many girls hating me for being energetic and eager both in class and outside class. AND.. in my college I started to feel the same atmosphere, but this is far worse than ever. Just because I like asking questions, several people in class was “eyeing” on me and spread bad influence about me. I’ve been wondering, hello? Is asking questions forbidden in our country?
Sorry for the cursing, but yeah, I’ve been held this for a long time, so it’s better to spit it out. I don’t know, but I am not comfortable with poeple in my major. Yup, English major. It is good they are so great, brilliant, multitalented, and determined. And I know that they are so ambitious, so am I. Note that everyone can be ambitious., but why on earth that word became a blade that they always point only at me?
I have to tell you that they called me “ambitious”, but not in a good way. It sounds offensive and mocking. Sometimes, they only see me as a thing that can be “used” I don’t know why either why they perceive as “smart person” while the fact is not! I’m not cool, I’m noot pretty, I’m not rich, and simply I’m not smart either. I think it’s like kind of mockery that they were trying to say that they are so smart and I’m not. I am confuse right now, what am I supposed to do?
A deep silent float into my mind.
…maybe, I have to stop hating myself.And I have to start to love myself and my friends in my major. I think I have to know them deeper and deeper. I know that I shouldn’t be a person that is loved by everybody. I know. I’ve said to someone that I better have a truly friend than having so many frends without even know they are so true. I think I have to get rid of all negative minds and think at the brightside.
So… from now on, I HAVE TO LOVE MYSELF. I HAVE TO CARE ABOUT MYSELF. MORE APPRECIATIVE to myself and don’t forget to always remember Him.