I’m actually a toxic person: Internalized Misogyny

Some people like being special and unique. Individualism teaches us to feel that every person is different has distinctive quality.
Sometimes I found myself saying “Many women are……, but I’m different.”

“Their make up are too much, natural look is far better.”
“She’s prettier with hijab.”
“She’ll be happier if she’s single.”
“Girls loving pink stuffs are overrated.”
“I’d rather to rant to boys, girls can’t keep secrets.”
“Girls are drama queen, ugh!”
“Being a housewife is easier than becoming a working mom.”

For me, it was normal saying that until this year. I realized that I’ve been underestimating other girls as a result of my gender bias.

Graduated from a literature major and taught by some feminist professors, I’ve been always proud that I had chances to expand my perspective regarding patriarchy and feminism. I’m not proclaiming to be a feminist, but I stand for women’s rights and gender equality.

After watching some Ted talks about pick me girl topics, I began to realize having internalized misogyny within myself. Internalized misogyny is when women portraying other women, or even themselves, to be inferior.
When I was a teenager, I often said “I prefer having boys as friends than girls.”
Subconsciously, I saw men was better than women while the issue may be about people’s personality and it has nothing to do with someone’s sex.

In the workplace, I’ve had talks about some married women tend to be not professional, but that’s totally biased. In the recent training I had from the global office, I learned that gender bias to working moms happens in every country in the world. When I step back and see things in the bird’s point of view, I’ve known some married women and working moms who have incredible achievement at work. It’s about work ethics, after all.

I’ve seen many posts on Instagram that women need to be independent and even some said that women do not need any men at all. In fact, women can choose any life path they want. Some may need men next to them, and some may choose to live alone without any attachment to anyone. They are both valid!

Women can be anything they like. They can decide to be single, married, full time mom, working mom, ustatha , monks, or nuns.

We can’t help having internalized misogyny amidst patriarchal culture around us. However, we can learn to respect women and allow each other to express ourselves in our own way. Indeed, it’s easier said than done, but this act needs to start from ourselves now. Spread respect!

Drown in One-Sided Friendship

Last month, it was my silver birthday, and I’ve been thinking about many things. Career, family, financial stability, relationship, and friendship.

Pandemics really tests my friendship and how we communicate to each other. Of course, I appreciate each individual has a way to communicate with others. I believe my friends have a wide range of variety to communicate based on their personality.

After a year of pandemics, I realized that most of my friends are quite introverted, which is a contrast to my personality. Opposite attracts, I suppose. It was fun having different perspective about them and I began to understand things on their side. However, it’s not about being introverted or not, since maintaining friendship during pandemics is about two-way communication.

I’ve met some introverts, but they were super energetic during phone or video calls. Which is great! I like to spend time on discord chatting with new individuals and had new friends after a long day. Sometimes we play games, or watch movies during weekends.

However, I began to realize that some friends in my real life feel to drift away. We had less communication. Some don’t really like voice calls, so we rarely talk in person. Some responded once in a blue moon. Some just are better without my existence, I guess.

I realized that I don’t matter that much to them. Maybe I wasn’t an affectionate person as well. Or maybe our friendship doesn’t really have a great foundation to begin with. A requited love might hurt, but one-sided friendship is just painful.

I noticed that I’m the one who initiate things most of the time among a few of my friends. It’s not that I don’t like it, but at some point, I realized that friendship shouldn’t be like that. A year ago, I lost a friend who always bails out every time we planned to hang out, and I knew that moment that I’ve been tolerating that kind of treatment for a long time. It’s normal, I think, people come and go. But, I don’t think I’m that kind of person welcoming people who disappear and then come back out of nowhere. Becoming a last resort used to be my thing, but 24-year-old-me said, “That’s enough.”

This experience made me to set boundaries even better. I know what I can handle and what I can’t. And this is a great opportunity to learn myself even better. I learn that actions speaks louder than promises. I heard a lot of sayings:

“You’re a great friend.”

“I miss you.”

“I can’t lose a friend like you.”

After all, the act of maintaining communication is a key to maintain friendship amidst the pandemics.

If some of you guys read this, please let me say thank you for staying with me and bearing my random talk/chats. It’s been nice to talk with many types of contrasted individuals and expanding my perspectives.
I hope there is a time when I can hug you and meet you in person.

What Pandemics Taught Me

It’s been 1,5 years.

I know. This is hard for most people.

We live together with the virus and no matter what happens life still goes on.

What I always believe is so tangible these days: people are always afraid of changes. We can see anti vax people around the globe, even those people might be our own family instead. We complained on how hard to wear surgical masks everyday, be it difficulty of breathing, comfort issues, or just simply about aesthetics perks.

I feel lucky to be one of those individuals who embrace changes quite fast. I trust my adaptability, and I didn’t find hard at first. However, it’s not about wearing masks, maintaining health protocol, or getting vaccines. It’s about living in distance with others. Less hugs, less handshake, less cafe dates, less crowd, etc.

As a super extroverted person, I was struggling mentally in facing this kind of detached reality. I love other people’s presence. I love hanging out with my homies. But now?
It’s merely chat and if lucky, I can have voice calls with them.

What I learned from this situation is humans survival instinct is a big deal. We tend to find ways to solve our problem, and I saw many people made some significant impacts and achievements amidst pandemic. Isn’t it amazing? While millions people were dying in hospitals, some people still worked hard to achieve their dreams and give different perspective aside this gloomy massive death across the globe.

I really want to be those people.

Nevertheless, I came back to my reality I’m facing. Having my mental state stable was my priority and I think it’s a tiny achievement that I can celebrate with myself as a proof that I can solve my own problem too. It’s not a big impact for others, but something that is still worthy.

I might be not 2019 me with many achievements and significance, but if I managed to be resilient in facing current situation, I’m a not so bad person, after all.

Celebrating trifles matters and having a healthy mental as well as physical state is a luxury. Why do we expect so much in life?