Detached

(written in March 2023)

Dmaj7 E C#m Dmaj7
Those old shoes have been so worn out
Time to choose a brand new right now
Don’t linger what has been your past
Once you learn those laces untied

Dmaj7 A Dmaj Bm
Have you been walking this far?
Only to break your own heart
Have you tried to change your path
Beautiful roads lie ahead

Dmaj7 E C#m Dmaj7
Those old shoes have been so worn out
Time to choose a brand new right now
Don’t linger what has been your past
Once you learn those laces untied

Dmaj7 A Dmaj Bm
Let’s dance now, moving on
With new shoes lead me on
Step out of my dark zone
Cross over to the sun
No need to hesitant
Your happiest moment
Soon to be discovered
Once we end this song (2x)

Dmaj7 E C#m Dmaj7
Those old shoes have been so worn out
Time to choose a brand new right now
Don’t linger what has been your past
Once you learn those laces untied

Path to Peace: Acceptance

Hustling is the new lifestyle. People are obsessed with anything is possible that every problem has its solution. Some of us tend to suppress feelings and assured ourselves “No, I can handle this, as always.” Manipulating self to be tough and in control over things beyond our control.

As the world overglorify positive and growth mindset, negative emotion are perceived as cancer we need to get rid of it as soon as we feel them. Therefore, escapism is inevitable. People get drunk, overeating, impulsive online shopping, or simply endless scrolling on social media. Wishing that the void will vanish instantly.

Like positive emotion, negative emotion needs to be embraced and welcomed. Unfortunate fates happened for some reason and all we can do is sit and watch. Rather than denial, acceptance is more effortful. To let the storm happens without panicking and running away is challenging.

Not to mention constant insecurity due to people’s timeline in social media, this demands us that being happy is a life goal while being depressed and sad are considered toxic. In fact, people who tend to bottle up feelings would explode once they couldn’t bear it. Why bother piling up feelings when you can nurture them gradually and more healthily.

When my mom cried as she vented, I often asked “Aren’t you tired of crying?” She always answered, “It’s better to cry and feel it rather than hiding them. Pouring your feelings never hurts.”

Since that day, I welcome my slump days as I welcome my hyper enthusiastic days. As some say “No rainbow without rain”, I’d spent hours lying down or crying as I sing heartbreak songs though I can’t relate. The next day, I feel refreshed and ready to start the day. Some of my friends would watch sad series to trigger them crying and eventually let out what they need to release. You will have your own version.

There is no instant process in building self-acceptance, after all. Some attend webinars and trainings. Some simply read books and listen to podcasts. Some need to be introduced to misadventures and learn them by going through it. When one has accepted themselves, they would be aware of what’s good and bad for them. As I wrote this entry, I found a cute quote on Instagram, “Some people are like Ads, just skip them.”

Wasting energy on certain individuals would be in vain. Indeed, the process of learning our worth and accept what we experience is a long journey. After all, the worst enemy is ourselves. We can’t help wanting to control things we can’t control. We can’t help to please people in order to get validation. We can’t help to love someone we can’t have.

The question is: Are you willing to embrace them, or jumped into the same hollow?

Tujuh Belas oleh Tulus

Muda jiwa selamanya muda
Kisah kita abadi selamanya
Muda jiwa selamanya muda
Kisah kita abadi selamanya

Masihkah kau mengingat di saat kita masih tujuh belas
Waktu di mana tanggal-tanggal merah terasa sungguh meriah
Masihkah kau ingat cobaan terberat kita matematika
Masihkah engkau ingat lagu di radio yang merdu mengudara

Kita masih sebebas itu
Rasa takut yang tak pernah mengganggu
Batas naluri bahaya
Dulu tingginya lebihi logika

Hu-uuh
Hu-uuh-uh
Hu-uuh
Hu-uuh-uh

Putaran bumi dan waktu yang terus berjalan menempa kita
Walau kini kita terpisah, namun jiwaku tetap di sana

Di masa masih sebebas itu (Ooh di masa)
Rasa takut yang tak pernah mengganggu
Di masa naluri bahaya
Dulu tingginya lebihi logika

Hu-uuh
Hu-uuh-uh
Hu-uuh
Hu-uuh-uh

Muda kita selamanya muda
Kisah kita abadi selamanya

Kita masih sebebas itu (Kita masih sebebas itu)
Rasa takut yang tak pernah mengganggu
(Rasa takut yang tak pernah mengganggu)
Batas naluri bahaya
Dulu tingginya lebihi logika (Haaa)

Sederas apapun arus di hidupmu
Genggam terus kenangan tentang kita
Seberapa pun dewasa mengujimu
Takkan lebih dari yang engkau bisa
Dan kisah kita abadi untuk selama-lamanya

Living with pain

Broadside

By Caitlin Kelly

Some of you, I know, live with/in chronic pain. It’s exhausting and demoralizing and you measure your available energy in “spoons”, a word I learned from Twitter.

I have a severely arthritic right hip now, and it hurts whenever I do basically anything — get into the shower, roll over in bed, stand up. Like many people with arthritis it diminishes my appetite for exercise, which makes it worse. I just suck it up and rarely take painkillers. It is what it is. I have to bear the pain until I get the damn thing replaced.

I’m used to living in pain.

My husband has recently suffered a kidney stone whose 24/7 pain has been driving him mad.

But it’s been a real education for a man who has enjoyed superb health his entire life since childhood: no surgeries, broken bones or hospitalizations.

I’ve spent a lot…

View original post 754 more words

Don’t Blame Yourself Too Much

At the end of the 2021, I contemplate more often than before.

December has been quite roller coaster, and it’s been continuously adventurous month until the second I wrote this entry.

After all, happy ending has different shapes.
But, I’m gathering my courage to keep whatever is this keeps my heart pounding

until I land and float again

I’m actually a toxic person: Internalized Misogyny

Some people like being special and unique. Individualism teaches us to feel that every person is different has distinctive quality.
Sometimes I found myself saying “Many women are……, but I’m different.”

“Their make up are too much, natural look is far better.”
“She’s prettier with hijab.”
“She’ll be happier if she’s single.”
“Girls loving pink stuffs are overrated.”
“I’d rather to rant to boys, girls can’t keep secrets.”
“Girls are drama queen, ugh!”
“Being a housewife is easier than becoming a working mom.”

For me, it was normal saying that until this year. I realized that I’ve been underestimating other girls as a result of my gender bias.

Graduated from a literature major and taught by some feminist professors, I’ve been always proud that I had chances to expand my perspective regarding patriarchy and feminism. I’m not proclaiming to be a feminist, but I stand for women’s rights and gender equality.

After watching some Ted talks about pick me girl topics, I began to realize having internalized misogyny within myself. Internalized misogyny is when women portraying other women, or even themselves, to be inferior.
When I was a teenager, I often said “I prefer having boys as friends than girls.”
Subconsciously, I saw men was better than women while the issue may be about people’s personality and it has nothing to do with someone’s sex.

In the workplace, I’ve had talks about some married women tend to be not professional, but that’s totally biased. In the recent training I had from the global office, I learned that gender bias to working moms happens in every country in the world. When I step back and see things in the bird’s point of view, I’ve known some married women and working moms who have incredible achievement at work. It’s about work ethics, after all.

I’ve seen many posts on Instagram that women need to be independent and even some said that women do not need any men at all. In fact, women can choose any life path they want. Some may need men next to them, and some may choose to live alone without any attachment to anyone. They are both valid!

Women can be anything they like. They can decide to be single, married, full time mom, working mom, ustatha , monks, or nuns.

We can’t help having internalized misogyny amidst patriarchal culture around us. However, we can learn to respect women and allow each other to express ourselves in our own way. Indeed, it’s easier said than done, but this act needs to start from ourselves now. Spread respect!

Drown in One-Sided Friendship

Last month, it was my silver birthday, and I’ve been thinking about many things. Career, family, financial stability, relationship, and friendship.

Pandemics really tests my friendship and how we communicate to each other. Of course, I appreciate each individual has a way to communicate with others. I believe my friends have a wide range of variety to communicate based on their personality.

After a year of pandemics, I realized that most of my friends are quite introverted, which is a contrast to my personality. Opposite attracts, I suppose. It was fun having different perspective about them and I began to understand things on their side. However, it’s not about being introverted or not, since maintaining friendship during pandemics is about two-way communication.

I’ve met some introverts, but they were super energetic during phone or video calls. Which is great! I like to spend time on discord chatting with new individuals and had new friends after a long day. Sometimes we play games, or watch movies during weekends.

However, I began to realize that some friends in my real life feel to drift away. We had less communication. Some don’t really like voice calls, so we rarely talk in person. Some responded once in a blue moon. Some just are better without my existence, I guess.

I realized that I don’t matter that much to them. Maybe I wasn’t an affectionate person as well. Or maybe our friendship doesn’t really have a great foundation to begin with. A requited love might hurt, but one-sided friendship is just painful.

I noticed that I’m the one who initiate things most of the time among a few of my friends. It’s not that I don’t like it, but at some point, I realized that friendship shouldn’t be like that. A year ago, I lost a friend who always bails out every time we planned to hang out, and I knew that moment that I’ve been tolerating that kind of treatment for a long time. It’s normal, I think, people come and go. But, I don’t think I’m that kind of person welcoming people who disappear and then come back out of nowhere. Becoming a last resort used to be my thing, but 24-year-old-me said, “That’s enough.”

This experience made me to set boundaries even better. I know what I can handle and what I can’t. And this is a great opportunity to learn myself even better. I learn that actions speaks louder than promises. I heard a lot of sayings:

“You’re a great friend.”

“I miss you.”

“I can’t lose a friend like you.”

After all, the act of maintaining communication is a key to maintain friendship amidst the pandemics.

If some of you guys read this, please let me say thank you for staying with me and bearing my random talk/chats. It’s been nice to talk with many types of contrasted individuals and expanding my perspectives.
I hope there is a time when I can hug you and meet you in person.

What Pandemics Taught Me

It’s been 1,5 years.

I know. This is hard for most people.

We live together with the virus and no matter what happens life still goes on.

What I always believe is so tangible these days: people are always afraid of changes. We can see anti vax people around the globe, even those people might be our own family instead. We complained on how hard to wear surgical masks everyday, be it difficulty of breathing, comfort issues, or just simply about aesthetics perks.

I feel lucky to be one of those individuals who embrace changes quite fast. I trust my adaptability, and I didn’t find hard at first. However, it’s not about wearing masks, maintaining health protocol, or getting vaccines. It’s about living in distance with others. Less hugs, less handshake, less cafe dates, less crowd, etc.

As a super extroverted person, I was struggling mentally in facing this kind of detached reality. I love other people’s presence. I love hanging out with my homies. But now?
It’s merely chat and if lucky, I can have voice calls with them.

What I learned from this situation is humans survival instinct is a big deal. We tend to find ways to solve our problem, and I saw many people made some significant impacts and achievements amidst pandemic. Isn’t it amazing? While millions people were dying in hospitals, some people still worked hard to achieve their dreams and give different perspective aside this gloomy massive death across the globe.

I really want to be those people.

Nevertheless, I came back to my reality I’m facing. Having my mental state stable was my priority and I think it’s a tiny achievement that I can celebrate with myself as a proof that I can solve my own problem too. It’s not a big impact for others, but something that is still worthy.

I might be not 2019 me with many achievements and significance, but if I managed to be resilient in facing current situation, I’m a not so bad person, after all.

Celebrating trifles matters and having a healthy mental as well as physical state is a luxury. Why do we expect so much in life?

Staying Sane during Pandemic?

Covid-19 sucks.

Life at the moment sucks.

Some may argue that I need to be grateful for my current state, but again people only see the tip of the ice berg.

Pandemic may hit people in many ways, financially, physically, or mentally. I think everyone is suffering right now, and I know I’m not the only one. But, maintaining healthy mental state these days is fu*kin hard.

I never knew that pandemic could emerge panic attacks that I’ve been struggling for these past months. I’m lucky enough to get a chance to consult with an expert, and finally can find the some of the roots of the trigger. Things aren’t pretty, but I managed to cope with it.

Having panic attacks is one of those Forrest Gump moment that “Life is like a box of chocolate.” Even at the very moment I’m writing these sentences it begs me to tremble, but dude, I’m quite strong not to fall to its traps deeper.

Meditation helps sometimes, and self-control is the key after all. I’m quite proud of myself to be able to look like normal person and performs at work well. (Pat my back)

Honestly, for those of you super-extroverts out there, I’m so proud that you can handle this quarantine life. We miss those hang-outs. We miss dining-out. Meeting our loved ones. I started to feel burdened to call my close friends since I’m afraid that I waste their time. It sucks having the need of social interaction in this lonely and dark times.

Staying sane is not easy, but it’s possible. I can say that.

What do we need to do basically to know our limit and ask for help. I was quite cocky that asking for help for me was a sign of weakness, but nah. It’s an act of courage and self-realization. We’re born to help each other after all.

From what I learned from some counsellings I have, we are our own foundation in helping ourselves. And it’s extremely hard to be stable both mentally and physically these days. I’d suggest that you guys stop taking sleeping pills, if it’s not that bad. I was about to get addicted since it’s an instant solution, but please be mindful unless you had been prescribed by doctors.

I could say that my panic attack is still mild, but I need to get rid of this immediately. Meditation before sleep or listening to some relaxing music as lullaby work for me. I was going to give some suggestions, but everyone has their own way to cope with themselves.

What’s yours?