At the age almost 24, there is one thing I’m still afraid of. That is a commitment. Commitment in maintaining relationship to be precise.
Something happened to my family when I was 4 year old. Unfortunately, it still has certain impacts to me up until now. I was afraid the idea of marriage, well I am though. The idea of loving someone and living with them for half of your life is just scary. Of course, people say there are ups and downs in marriage, and some people thought those made people grow up as adults and know their partner deeper. But, my 23-year-old-ass couldn’t comprehend this idea. How could a person commits to another individual who’s basically a stranger? The idea of loving someone for that long is appalling.
However, when I was 14 I wasn’t afraid of the idea to love someone sincerely. I don’t know what things could be categorized as love, yet I was dedicated to a boy who didn’t even know me for the whole 2-3 years.
I still remember his name: MRF. Some of his friends called him Iki. He was a senior who’s not really popular, yet had a very warm smile and cute squinted eyes. I didn’t remember when exactly I was into him, but I think it was because I kept bumping into him after the flag ceremony ended.
It was pretty creepy, but I’d like to observe my crush from afar rather than approaching him. Besides, I knew that he had a very cute and pretty girlfriend who’s faaaarr away better than me, so I know my place. Back then, I really liked to watch him playing football in the field, hanging out in canteen only to check on him, or walking behind him after the school ended. The last seemed pretty scary, but I didn’t stalk him for real. It’s just the amount of proximity when I walked behind him was really something. After a year by watching him from afar. I made a video using Windows Movie Player kkkk, and opsiee stole some his pictures from his Facebook. I made it like a confession video that I’ve never been sent and it’s just got rotten in my old computer and the file has gone indeed. I showed my friends the video and some of them cried because it’s just too angsty and they wondered how come I was into someone who didn’t know that I was existed.
I still cheered from him until he graduated. I couldn’t see him anymore as I went to a different senior high school. I did remember that we chatted on FB after he became a senior high school, but I didn’t remember what we talked as I bet it’s just only a dry convo. But, I guess I was in Cloud 9 back then.
It is embarrassing to have that kind of experience, yet I am envious with my old self who doesn’t hesitate to care about someone without receiving something in return. I envy her to be bold about her feelings without too much thinking. How come I was so loyal to a person?
I am still wondering why I’ve changed to this kind of person who’s really coward to have a commitment about relationship. I’m sure it’s not because of my childhood trauma.
Nevertheless, I slightly hope… I would have that kind of courage when I was 14.
Catatan Anak Sastra 